Celeb and Match
Both the Hamptons and Hollywood are littered with celebrities, which everyone knows. What everyone might not know, though, is that celebrities are taking to online dating just as voraciously as the rest of us. One Friday morning, as I was routinely swiping through potential suitors on Chappy in an effort to get over Jack, I came across a familiar face. Being an avid TV-watcher of the ’90s (am I dating myself?), I recognized the guy as an actor on my all-time favorite TV show.
I’ve never swiped right faster. And to my amazement, I matched with him. I kind of couldn’t believe it, but only an hour after messaging him my go-to “hey, how’s it going?”, he responded. After some witty and playful banter that had me smiling to my phone screen (he was just as humorous in person as he was on the small screen), we decided to throw caution to the wind and meet up that very night for cocktails at EPLP at 6:30pm. I was excited.
Was I Going to Lose My Penis?
However, a phone call from my doctor after my 1:00pm hike two hours later brought my euphoria to a screeching halt. He notified me that I had a UTI.
A what? Was a UTI an STD? Was my penis going to fall off? Did I need a paramedic!?
It definitely was not the news I was expecting, nor wanting to hear, but as soon as I hung up, I literally bolted out of my favorite smoothie bar, sans smoothie, and sped my way to Urgent Care to get treated. I couldn’t possibly go on a date with an infected urinary tract! The horror. I mean, could you imagine? What if a hook-up was imminent? Would I be able to…perform?
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, my doctor finally called me in for treatment. By this time, my date with the pseudo celebrity was looming and I knew I was going to be late. Yeah, late. I was going to be the LA asshole who arrives to a rendezvous an hour after the agreed upon time. Everyone hates that LA asshole.
Quickly, after my mother-load of antibiotics, I dashed home, showered quickly, and tried to forget that I was currently contaminated with an ailment that put a hindrance on my penis. Would he be able to tell? Could he see through me? What if he knew I was hiding something?
Two Vodka Collins’ Later…
I arrived to EPLP ONLY 45 minutes late (sweating profusely), and I have to give the guy props, because I would have been SO agitated upon finally meeting someone who arrived so tardily, but he was actually perfectly pleasant – and dare I say intimidated (?)
We had two vodka collins’ each and talked about work – and no, if you’re wondering if I brought up the fact that I recognized him, I absolutely DID NOT – family, the craziness of LA dating, and more.
When it was time to bid each other adieu, we exchanged cordial hugs and promised to see each other again soon. It was a perfectly fine date and while I wasn’t sure we’d see each other again, he was definitely someone that I wanted to remain friendly with at least. Plus, I was thrilled to see that Chappy was taking off so nicely. As it started to gain traction in LA, notable influencers were trying the app out for themselves, which spoke to the app’s success. So the next time you start swiping, keep your eyes peeled for your favorite TV heartthrob.
Did the date completely help me get over Jack? Of course not. It didn’t help that he was texting me throughout it (insert eye-roll emoji here). But I realized that for the two hour duration of my date, I wasn’t thinking about him. I was present. Completely in the moment. Jack was merely a lingering thought tucked back into the recesses of my consciousness. And as much as it devastated me to admit it to myself, I knew I needed to keep him there; away from my everyday thoughts. It killed me, because I missed him so incredibly, mind-numbingly much, but the only way to move on, to respect what he wanted, was to put distance between us.
And in the meantime, I’d use Chappy as my coping mechanism. And pray to all that is holy for no more UTIs.