Wet & Flaky

I’m gonna get real for a second because I always think it’s better to be self-deprecating than a pompous, my-shit-doesn’t-stink twerp; I have earwax issues. It’s one of the many things, like emerald eyes and chiseled features, that I inherited from my wondrous artist father.

There are two types of earwax in the world: the WET and the FLAKY. You’re kidding yourself if you think you don’t have one of the two. The wet tends to be more of a brownish color, but can easily be wiped away with Q-tips. The flaky is much less discrete, comes out in pieces, but can harden easily and cause blockage. I, of course, have flaky. Also, I must also point out that I haven’t had any problems since last year when the doctor had to LITERALLY DRILL IT OUT of my head with a glorified water cannon. An ear douche, I called it.

 Anyway, the doc prescribed I use these special drops that soften wax so it comes out more easily. Fine. But yesterday I was in a mood. A few things come to mind when I think of what spawned it, but the point is, I was ready to tie one end of my bedsheets around my curtain rod, the other around my neck, and end it all. However, I didn’t want to kiss the world goodbye without properly douched eardrums, so it was off to Walgreens.

When I tell you I met the nicest cashier known to mankind, I’m not exaggerating. She was this portly, African American SAINT who looked like she she was perpetually singing backup for a Motown band. She was dancing behind the counter, smiling, humming herself a diddy – the whole bit.

So I get up to the counter, embarrassed because, c’mon, earwax is gross. My purchase however didn’t phase her.

[This conversation is not exaggerated]

“Oh hey, baby,” she said to me.
“Hi,” I mumbled back.
“You a frequent shopper?“
(Only that one other time when I had to buy Preparation H)
“No,” I lied.
“Well go ‘head an enter ya phone number, because who knows, sometimes peoples’ accounts pop up!“
To appease her, I did as instructed, knowing I didn’t sign up to be a frequent Walgreens shopper.
“Kyle?“
WTF.
“Yeah!“
“See? I told y’all!“
I swiped my card.
“Now just enter yo’ phone number, honey.“
I looked at her. I just freaking did that.
“Oh, Lawd! Listen to me! I meant yo’ PIN number. Gracious!“
For the first time all day, I cracked a smile. Was someone paying her to make me laugh?
“Now let’s see whatchu got here…” as she picked up my drops. “Debrox. Hmm. Debrox?“
She began shuffling through a small book she whipped out of her red fanny pack.
“D-E-Brox.“
She found it in the Table of Contents…
“Page 14.“
She flipped to page 14, taking her sweet old Motown time, humming and singing throughout, mind you.
By this time, we were like six people deep in the line behind me.
I cringed.
Damn you, earwax.
Then someone walked into the store.
“Howdy, howdy, if you need me, give a shout-y!”
Sure enough, Miss Sunshine found a COUPON for my drops, promptly scanned it, and saved me $2.09.
“There yo’ go, honey,” she cooed.
I couldn’t help it, I was full-on GRINNING ear to ear. 

I thanked her for her hospitality and general amazing-ness and left the drugstore, with an ear full of wax, but a heart full of love for the cashier that made me smile.

**[Note: I’m way too self-involved to ever commit suicide.]